photo by EfrankE

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Could somebody explain this to me..

I wanted to use the last post to segue into posts about the Christmas season but something's been weighing on my mind. I've asked some others about this but I'm still left with a lot of unanswered questions.

What is this massive female obsession with vampires?

The appeal of the Twilight saga is beyond my comprehension. I admit I haven't seen the movie but from descriptions I've read of the plot it's full of holes. First and foremost: How is it possible for a teenage girl to find her soul mate in a soulless creature?

I'm told the protagonist vampire hero, who has presumably reached near-full-grown vampire size from years of drinking human blood, suddenly foregoes leeching the blood of his protagonist female love interest and subsequently confines his blood meals to animals. Have I got this right, basically?

Do vampires or their swooning victims have a clue about the risks involved in this lifestyle? Who today cannot recognize the danger of having someone else's blood in your mouth? All but the most isolated of vampires must have learned something about hepatitis C and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome in the last thirty years. Oh, wait, ... perhaps that's the subtextual message we're suppposed to read into their pursuit of virgin blood. Okay, I get that part.

Still, raw animal blood is no more safe. Rabbits? You contact their blood with a break in your skin and you're at serious risk of debilitating illness from tularemia. Pigs? They are commonly infected with trichinosis, a parasite that can cause humans severe gastrointestinal illness and muscle rigidity that would make death seem a welcome relief. Waterfowl or other animal-life that happened to eat parasite-ridden freshwater fish? The cure for acquiring those parasites is toxic enough to kill you.

I could go on and on but the point is, a vampire that consumed animal blood might be observed to display many cysts and pustules on his face and body. From the movie posters I've seen, the Hollywood makeup artists really dropped the ball on this one.

I can hear some of you now. "You're missing the point, blogger brain. It's not about health precautions and disease avoidance. It's about romance, coming of age, star-crossed lovers, the timeless dance of life called love." Okay (again, setting aside that vampires have no souls with which to love), if this were true why don't we see a similar phenomenon where the main love interest is a zombie, another character with no soul and also an immortal member of the living dead?

There's really very little difference between fresh blood and living flesh. When doctors do diagnostic tests they often want a blood sample and a tissue sample, right? And both are usually acquired with needles, so what, really, is the difference between vampires and zombies in their basic life, or, non-life pursuits and passions? A difference only in degree.

These are some of the reasons I probably wouldn't enjoy watching "The Twilight Saga: New Moon." I am, though, still curious about girls' and even middle-aged women's infatuation with vampires. If you have an opinion on this, click on the comments section below and share your thoughts.

I'd comment further myself but I have to sign off now. I just got this idea for a book about a socially isolated girl who moves into a new town and falls in love with a teenage zombie who dedicates himself to eating the flesh of animals instead of his new love's face -"Twi-Night of the Living Dead." I need to get an outline together quickly to send off to publishers. I'll fill in the plot holes later. This could be just the vehicle I've been looking for to finally acquire the phenomenal wealth that's so far eluded me. And when it comes time for my book to be made into a movie, those Hollywood makeup artists better get it right this time!

(Thanks, Baby Daughter, for the Photoshop work.)

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