photo by EfrankE

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Part-time Celebrity Career Path

While it doesn’t appear to be a zero-sum game overall, presumably, there’s only so much room at the top for part-time celebrity aspirants. Over a lifetime of experiencing various disappointments, I’ve learned the hard way that it’s important to avoid setting unrealistically high goals. For me, just aiming to enter at the top ten percent of part-time celebrities seems like a big enough target to start with.

Celebrity-mania seems to know no bounds but let’s face it, celebrity-fatigue of specific individuals does happen. Logically, this can only result in opening up opportunities for fresher, full and part-time, celebrities, to move in on someone else’s celebrity territory – assuming they can introduce greater personal value to some celebrity-dependent enterprise.

Being virtually unknown, my own lack of overexposure has to be counted as one of my biggest assets. Another is, I’m not bogged down with type-casting or limited by expectations based on public perception. As a blank slate, I believe I’m in the perfect position to offer multi-dimensional celebrity possibilities that long-established celebrities can only dream of.

We’ve probably all noticed that possessing talent doesn’t seem to be necessary to become a celebrity, nor does having contributed anything to our society. Anybody can become a celebrity. That’s the great thing about America. I mean, you’ve got your Paris Hiltons, your Kim Kardashians, or whichever one of the Kardashians they’re marketing these days… and on the men’s side, half the people who show up as guests on Letterman I’ve never even heard of. I can’t think of a single one of his guests who’ve caused taxes to go down or made my life better in any other way. Yet in this great country of ours, these all still have managed to achieve celebrity appeal and generate income by trading on their names (Note to self: I should probably redo my resume, so as not to appear over-qualified).

I’ve long said, in a country where Rosie O’Donnell’s vitriolic ravings are considered commendable enough to merit (formerly) her own TV and (now) radio talk shows, where Tom Hanks can play the romantic lead (instead of the more believable dorky side-kick) in movie after movie, and a gravel grinding-voiced performer like Joe Cocker can make it big as a singer… well, all I’m saying is that the requirements for becoming a successful celebrity don’t seem to be all that demanding, do they? And remember, I only need a part-time celebrity position, so the requirements should be considerably less exacting, still.

Here’s a list of celebrity-functions I think I could drop into without much trouble: Grand openings, product endorsement, cartoon-voicing, opinion interviews, sporting-event half-time shows, TV series cameo appearances and featured speaking engagements on the knife and fork circuit. Anybody have any other ideas?

I realize I’m going have to be willing to have my photo taken with various sweat suit- clad, free-loading tire-kickers, as well as mixing with glamorous nincompoops from the chardonnay-sipping set at red-carpet events. That just goes with the territory. I do, however, intend to draw the line at lending my future personal allure as a part-time celebrity to political rallies, no matter how much it costs me in income in the short term.

I’d have to be naïve to think that breaking into this business just happens. I’m willing to work hard to attain part-time celebrity status, although, so as not to sabotage myself, I’m also willing to just fall into it through sheer luck.

Here is the only problem, though. I’m facing the age-old conundrum: Lacking any celebrity experience, how do I get started in this work? I’m looking for suggestions as to how to establish my credibility as a part-time celebrity. For moral reasons, salacious videos are out and I’d prefer to not have to do anything that could land me in jail or raise my car insurance rates. Otherwise, I’m open to considering all options. I’m inviting everyone to submit their most creative ideas.

Also, does anyone have any contacts in the celebrity biz? Someone here on the island that could be helpful in getting me started would be most convenient.

Thanks, everybody. I’m looking forward both to receiving your helpful suggestions and the income-supplementing opportunities awaiting me in part-time celebrity enterprise.

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