Resolving the Real Men vs. Quiche Controversy

Back in the early 1980’s, Reader’s Digest published excerpts from a book entitled, Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche. The title / statement / opinion insinuated that no manly-type male would ever eat something soft and gummy, like quiche, when instead he could choose to rip into more rugged table fare, like steak or pork chops. Sadly, publication of the article unleashed far-reaching repercussions on the unsuspecting male public.

The book’s title quickly became a slogan of masculine reaffirmation, which, paradoxically, if not naturally, opened up a whole new set of opportunities for humiliation by one’s male peers.

The year the book came out I was playing on a Kona men’s league softball team. A fielding error often led to being called a “quiche-eater,” the implication being that only a squishy, overly-sensitive man like a Phil Donohue, or an Alan Alda, would have missed such an easy play, or perhaps that the fielder must have forgotten to bring his manhood along that day. The accusation usually developed like something along these lines:

“Aaaah! Quiche-eater!

“Who’re you calling a quiche-eater?”

“You, who else? Only a quiche-eater would miss an easy out like that!”

“Oh, yeah? What makes you the expert?

“I’m the captain, the titular head of the team!”

“You’re a titular head, all right!”

“YOU’RE the titular head.”

“No, YOU are!”

“That’s what I said!”

“Okay, then!”

Eventually, quiche-related criticism would wane and play would resume until the next unforgivable error.

I’m sure you can grasp how formative life lessons like this can leave a man apprehensive about ever being caught eating, let alone making, quiche. However, since my masculine self-identity is feeling quite invincible at the moment, I will unflinchingly confess to both.

Yeah, you heard right, I’m admitting it! I made a quiche as a gift for my wife for Mother’s Day. I was in need of some sort of gesture to show appreciation for the five pups kids she popped out. I knew she liked quiche. The rest of us have learned to eat it. Helpfully, she brought home all of the necessary ingredients from the grocery store so that I wouldn’t have to leave the family kennel compound on a special trip to town.

Flowers and a Hallmark card with supplementary, handwritten, emotive sentiments would have been the easy way out, of course. My gift was a much more creative, personal, and quite possibly more-economical, expression of love and appreciation.

I assume, my well-contemplated gift was blissfully received and will reap handsome dividends, relationship-wise, for the near term. I should probably ask though, just to make sure.

Here’s the recipe source. Incidently, don’t worry if all the bacon pieces fall to the bottom. I found out ex post facto that’s to be expected. Also, you may want to use the fancier French cheese (as far as I know, we’re still back on friendly terms with the French) instead of the thriftier Kraft-brand Swiss cheese that I used. I used heavy whipping cream in place of creme fraiche.

Men, you might want to take a shot at this. The recipe is pretty easy and women seem to savor the results. Importantly, almost nobody uses “quiche-eater” as a derogatory expression anymore. In fact, the term has almost passed from the collective male memory, possibly due to resigned acceptance of the U.S. Department of Defense's “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy, or maybe from pressure brought to bear on the media from quiche industry-aligned politicians and interest groups.

Whatever the reason, today it’s become possible for real men and quiche to co-exist peacefully to a degree unimaginable a mere three decades ago.

How Guys Connect with Each Other

“…it’s a mistake to judge men’s interactions by assuming we need to be like women.”

-from an article that appeared in the Wall Street Journal that focuses on what guys look for in friendships.

Some excerpts:

“Men generally resist high-maintenance relationships, whether with spouses, girlfriends or male pals. When picking friends, ‘men don’t want someone who is too needy’…a third of the men…said they learned positive things from female friendships, but 25% had a negative impression of women as friends, citing issues such as ‘cattiness’ and ‘too much drama’ [see this previous post]. And women are more likely than men to hold grudges toward friends, according to Dr. (Geoffrey) Greif’s 2009 book, Buddy System.”

Researchers say women’s friendships are face to face. They talk, cry together, share secrets. Men’s friendships are side by side: We play golf. We go to football games.

“Our conversations deal with the doing of things rather than the feeling of things…”

“In his poker game, [Dr. Greif] says, if a man were to reveal that he lost his job or that his wife left him, the other guys would say, ‘Gee, dude, that’s too bad. Want us to deal you out of this hand?’

If you are interested in the subject of male friendship and how guys derive support from one another, you can read the whole article here.

A personal reminiscence on the subject:

A little over twenty years ago, I was backing out of the garage in a stick shift to head to work while holding a mug of steaming coffee in one hand and steering with the other, trying to see through the rear view mirror to avoid hitting the center post dividing the garage opening. A slight hand slippage caused the car to veer sideways, bashing in the door trim and drywall next to it. Admittedly, I shouldn't have been wearing sunglasses in the darkened space.

A buddy happened to call later that day to ask what was new. I mentioned the early morning mishap in the course of the conversation. He didn’t ask me how I felt about it. What would have been the point? But, early the next morning on his way to work, he dropped off at our house some pieces of drywall, tape and mud, taping knife and painting tools for me to use to make repairs.

Now, that was a guy friend.

Fixing Women's Problems

As a natural born and always-have-been male, I always assume that when women share their feelings they are looking to me for advice as to how to fix their problems. Often, I’m able to do this in a quick sentence or two while rapidly switching between the three or four TV programs I’m watching all at the same time.

Amazing as it sounds, sometimes I can come up with advice before a particular woman has even finished speaking. Why waste time if the solution is obvious, right?

This extraordinary gift, which should be revered, seems to generate little gratitude in response. Baffling as it sounds, anger is the most frequent follow-up response I get.

I guess the only thing I could compare to it would be the response on the part of the populace to the passage of the health care reform bill.

Grammar & Punctuation, Part 1

...and they say men never listen!

h/t to Skip Tucker

Guys Hate Drama!

Thaaaaat’s riiiiight, I’m saying it! Guys cannot stand to be in a drama-driven environment. It produces in us aggravation and dread.

Man alive, was I reminded of this fact again today in the course of documenting some existing conditions in an office suite for which we’re in the process of designing some alterations and expansion facilities. It was during business hours and very crowded with people.

While going about my work I could hear one woman in the adjacent room talking with elevated anxiety about her boyfriend to her female co-worker. She went on and on, speculating what he might have meant by an 8 or 9 word sentence he’d spoken to her. She hit it from different angles, talked about what she thought about each one and how she would respond to every possible scenario. And you know what? I’ll bet the guy can barely remember having had the conversation.

I thought, It is whatever he said, Lady! Why don’t you just ask him what he meant? If you want to look for hidden meanings and symbolism, read Moby Dick. Guys just aren’t that cryptic. If you ask the right questions you’ll get answers that make sense. I hope her boyfriend is recognizing the red flags in the relationship because, if he stays in it, his world will be continually unsettled. Yikes!

I’ve had guys tell me they quit their jobs because of too much drama at work. The only kind of drama a guy likes is the last two minutes of a sports event, maybe coverage of a close election (if he remembered to vote) and the suspenseful plot of an action movie (as long as it is brought to resolution with gunfire, car crashes or explosions, preferably all three).

Guys like stability, order, cause & effect, recognizable patterns, understandable sequences, reasonable dispositions, fair negotiations, clear instructions, stated goals, written contracts, straight talk in plain language, the right tools for the right job and, I might as well throw in, menus in English.

No guy goes to work in the morning thinking, Man, I can’t wait ‘til I finish my shift and I can get out of here to go find me a situation primed with drama! That would really make this job worth it! That said, however, most men of some devotion won’t object to discussing a woman’s concerns or problems in a non-turbulent, non-theatrical manner.

Women, here’s a tip: If you’re looking for male companionship, socially or romantically, the best tack to take is one that avoids appreciably involving guys in endless personal insecurities, emotional chaos and rocky behavior because…get this now, Guys. Hate. Drama.

How Men Talk to Their Wives

Relating to yesterday's post, here's an example of a husband communicating with his wife (about 30 seconds long).

Why Men Don't Listen

Last week, while leaving from a pre-workday meeting at my friend’s garage, I walked through his kitchen as his wife and daughter were there getting ready to leave for work themselves. Apparently the two of them had been talking over the day’s plans.

“I hope our talking didn’t disturb you,” his wife remarked.

“Of course not,” I replied, “Men don’t hear women. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.”

I know that it’s hard for women to grasp why this is. It’s generally a mystery to men too, but some research indicates it’s somewhat due to the way men’s minds are biologically wired.

According to this ABC news report, men hear women’s speech differently than the way they hear the speech of other men: “The research shows men decipher female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engage a simpler mechanism [of the brain]…this causes a more complex range of sound frequencies [in a female voice] than in a male voice…”

Am I reading this right? It takes more brainpower to listen to a woman talk than a man?

The report also notes that, due to the greater complexity of the structure of women’s vocal chords and larynx, they have a “greater natural ‘melody’ in their voices.”

So that explains it. Absent focused concentration - perhaps even with it - men’s brains have a tendency to hear women’s talking as innocuous music, I assume much like what is played in an elevator or supermarket to relax patrons. So sometimes instead of hearing the facts of what women are telling us (not to mention the unspoken, emotional subtext), our minds subconsciously just start humming along to whatever it is they're saying. I’ve noticed, myself, that this phenomenon sometimes even produces a soothing, lullaby affect.

So, women, what can you learn from this scientific revelation?

Perhaps this: If you want a man to "hear" you, keep your message(s) short, simple and stick to the main point(s). If it's really important, don't speak at all; write it down and pass him the note. That's your most effective communication mode. You also may find it helpful to refer to this chart I’ve created.


You’ll note from the chart that even if you limit yourself to one subject only in your communication, statistically, the likelihood a man will remember it is no better than about 80%, and it decreases exponentially as the number of subjects in your statement increases.

So, please don’t blame me(n) anymore for not hearing you. A man's brain just finds it too easy to hum along to the sweet song in your voice.

Helpful gift Ideas for Women

This is Women Gift Buying 101 level, but, based on anecdotal evidence, it's not just beginners who can make empty-headed selections.

Recommended: Shiny, sparkly, expensive fashion add-ons - classy, sophisticated and timeless. You can't go wrong with these.

Not recommended: Kitchen appliances, beauty aids, gym memberships (unless requested), clothing in sizes that could turn out to be too big or too small when she tries them on, framed photo of yourself (unless signed with statement of devotion and accompanied by items from recommended category).

Other possibilities (in ascending order of expense): Professional massage coupons, i-apple stuff, vacation without the kids to romantic destination, new car with big red ribbon on top.

Stick within the boundaries, guys. You may think yourself capable of operating outside of time-tested traditions and that your own idea will turn out to be the exception to prove the rule while even demonstrating your superior creativity. That's the kind of thinking that has lost wars, bankrupted nations and, well, there is that famous golfer example in the news that just won't go away...

Helpful Man-gift Ideas for Women

Ladies! – Still looking for that gift to buy to show your devotion to the man of your dreams? Here are my recommendations:


The Man Wall.

You get four TV’s hooked up to a 1200-watt home theater system, 5-disk DVD player/changer, i-pod docking station, built-in keg-o-rater, microwave oven, two cigar humidors, 32-bottle wine rack, snack cabinet and at the top, a 7 foot long sports ticker driven by a dedicated computer. With careful planning up to 12 college games can be viewed on one game-day Saturday. Could there be any better way to say, "I love you," than the gift of the Man Wall?

The base model sells very reasonably for under $14,900.00. Most effectively used when installed in a dedicated man cave, but placement against a large blank wall in the center of the living room can also be made to work – an important consideration in these tougher economic times.

During half-time, your guy and his buddies will want to eat American so how about ordering some U.S.D.A. Choice, Land of Liberty steaks to throw on the grill?

This can also be a great opportunity to show your patriotism, especially those of you with a hunger to serve your country.


And while the steaks are cooking why not bring out some appetizers skewered in manly fashion with a cocktail nail rather than a little frou-frou plastic, fringe-top toothpick? Guys generally feel more at ease in the presence of hardware hospitality. For you ladies who are married, this item can greatly help your husband’s buddies feel a sense of acceptance and belonging in your home.

For those disappointing mismatches when the game is a blowout, interest often wanes and guy-guests may start heading for the door. What better way to keep the crowd entertained and in your home than with this foosball table?

No more waiting for a chance to play when you’ve got one of these babies. Everybody plays all the time and the games can go on all night, one after the other. Also, you can spread out the man-mob through several rooms rather than trying to cram everyone into the living room or study.


To keep things fresh in the powder room, you’ll want a beer candle to light before the first guest arrives. No more competing floral and girlie potpourri scents overwhelming and confusing the senses. With the beer candle burning, the party never ends, even when you have to stop to take care of business.

Ladies, I trust these suggestions will prove themselves enlightening, helping you think the way a man thinks - an invaluable tactic in successful man-gift selection.

Gifts like these can’t help but deepen his affection for you, strengthen your relationship with each other and tighten your bond. They say, “I love you,” in the gift language every man understands.

John's Short-lived Career as an Advice Columnist

This has been submerged under blogosphere water for a while and just surfaced again. Be encouraged, wives out there, the guy you married is probably not a dud after all, just normal.


click on image to enlarge
(h/t to Lumberjack)

Kicking Off the Holiday Season

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"Larry, why are you sitting in here? Did you get the front Christmas decorations up already?"

"Uh-huh. Just in time for the kickoff too."

Deck the Malls

The fact that men need to devote themselves to spending quality time with their spouses in activities their wives enjoy in order to deepen the marital bond is no longer disputable. It is settled social science.

This might have been a story all men could have drawn inspiration from if it had had a happy ending.

Or perhaps it did.

Laws of Attraction - Part I

Driving home together from a recent event, Beloved Wife and I had the following conversation:

SHE: "I'm really glad I'm married to you."

I: "Thanks. Good to hear. I don't think you've ever said that to me before."

SHE: "Really? I've never told you that?'

I: "No," (At least never while I was listening).

Hmm..., I thought, this might be one of those times you hear about when women attempt to communicate with their husbands. Think, man, think! What did that Sunday magazine insert relationship advice columnist say the man was supposed to do in these situations?

It's just as well that I drew a blank. Relationship advice is for wimps anyway. Real men don't need advice. It's a well known fact that most men instinctively always know the right thing to say or do. That's just the way we're made.

So, I ran down a quick mental checklist: Continue to earn a living? Check. Sleep at home every night? Check. Shower every day? Yeah, pretty much. I may not be Johnny Depp, or whoever it is that's the current object of women's desire, but I'm not exactly loathsome. So, after 35 years of marriage, five children and several of their own sprouts, why did she choose this moment to tell me this?

I: "Did this conclusion come to you because all the other husbands back there were boring?"

SHE: "Yes."

Hah! Figured it out all by myself! Who 'da man?! WHO 'DA MAN?!!!

So, what can other married men learn from my experience?

Just this: Never be boring. If you can't help being boring, try to get your wife to attend events with you where men who are much more boring than you are are likely to be heavy in the mix. You'll be prized by comparison. Or else be wealthy. That's supposed to make women feel fulfilled being married to you too.

Men, you should be writing this down. Take my advice.