After checking demographic trends, a marital advice career may not be a broad enough category to ensure a sufficient supply of clients for my services. Not as many people seem to be getting married as in the past.
Therefore, I’ve decided general relationship advice services would allow me to serve more people, not to mention raise the profitability potential of a new venture. Relationship advice is something I already try to provide here occasionally anyway. It’s been one of my intentions regarding this weblog that any reader who followed for a year or two would receive the virtual equivalency of a mail-order relationship-counseling course. Granted, you probably could get the same thing by just listening to a lot of Tammy Wynette’s old songs. I’m thinking some people would still want the caring empathy that only personal contact can provide, which would be where I would come in.
I would, of course, be taking on clients in spite of my tendency to generally avoid unnecessary contact with people due to the possibility of getting drawn into in their personal problems. Maintaining emotional distance through (non)professional separation would be crucial, I suppose. You can see where I’m going with this, right? If I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep I want it to be from wrestling with my own problems, not somebody else’s.
The focus of my advice would be explaining to men why women are so bleeping hard to understand. I could also explain to women what men are thinking but since that’s generally limited to about 3 things I wouldn’t expect there would be much money to be made there.
I suppose I could delve into a list of exclusions – what men are NOT thinking – that could take some time, and time being money, might be worthwhile. Another possibility would be to try to explain to men what women are feeling and why. The drawback there is that by the time you explain it it’s probably changed anyway, which would necessitate perpetual additional sessions. That could be a plus or a minus depending on whether we’re talking about me or the client. Anyway, here’s my best pitch:
Women: With my keen insights and lifetime of observations I can be your one-stop relationship advice source. No need to waste any more time watching Oprah. Men: No need to…well, you probably never worry about relationship stuff anyway, at least until there’s a crisis. But that’s where I can help - avoid the crisis, take my customized, precautionary advice and get it right the first time.
Payment plans can be made flexible so don’t assume you can’t afford my services – and tell your friends – every paying referral will entitle you to 10% free advice, uncontaminated with the sort of personal musings and speculation that you might get from other advice givers (or, even with those things, if you have the time and money to waste).
You won’t find a better deal anywhere. All information is confidential, assuming your check doesn’t bounce, and even if it does, I usually change the names of people and towns when I recycle advice.
So, if anybody needs relationship advice, remember, I’m here for you, for a fee, because I care, and I could really use the money.